Being a mother is literally waking up each day to something new. I learned very early on (probably not early enough…I could have saved some tears) that you lose control a little more each day that you have children. One day you are woken up six times over night, the next none, and the NEXT ten times. There is no rhyme or reason to the world of motherhood. Your three year-old loves pizza on Wednesday, yet refuses to look at it on Friday. I think I’ve heard somewhere that if tested, most toddlers would qualify for a bi-polar diagnoses. Why am I writing all of this down? Well, because it’s the truth…and because it isn’t the part of motherhood that scares me the most.
The scariest part of motherhood is that you LOVE those little mongrels. That they very much hold your heart in their tiny, dirty little hands. It’s not always easy living with them, but it is so much easier than living without them. Do you see that boy in the picture? I can remember the way his head smelled when we brought him home from the hospital three and a half years ago. Honestly. But I can’t stop time. I can’t keep him from growing up and making mistakes and getting hurt. His future is unwritten and I have no control over it. Motherhood is an exercise in losing control. Letting go.
It seems less obvious to me right now that the same is happening with my daughter, but I know it is only a matter of time before her chubby little cheeks and thighs noticeably thin and her baby talk turns into non-stop chatter and questions. Her hair will grow longer and her speech will improve, all very positive milestones in her life. But with each day my baby, most likely my last baby, turns into a little girl…and is one step closer to becoming a woman. That scares me. What if we don’t have the relationship that I dream we will have? What if we don’t enjoy spending long phone conversations or frivolous shopping sprees? What if…
So this wasn’t meant to be a sad commentary about motherhood. It really is the best thing that I’ve ever experienced. But motherhood isn’t just difficult in the traditional “dirty diapers and lack of sleep” sense of the word. Motherhood challenges you to let go of a piece of yourself a little more each and every day…and to let that piece grow on its own.
I’m not the only one that has an opinion on motherhood today! Take a look at my friend Heidi’s blog over at Maehill Studios to see what she has to say 🙂
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